But I’ve learned three things.  One, it ain’t gonna take 30 days.  Not anyone.  No way, no how.

Two, I look really really silly during each attempt.  No way around that, I suppose.

Three, my main obstacle in this quest is neither my flexibility or my ability to go without breath when fully compressed into a ball.  No, gentles readers, my greatest obstacle is my tits.  They are massive.

For your enjoyment, I submit a visual aid:

As you can see, I’m getting close.  Very, very close.  Over the course of my edeavors, my flexibility has increased immensely.  I can now, with sincere ease, kick both legs behind my shoulders.  Who said that licking my own bits was the only benefit!  Hah!

You can also see that my titties wedged between my shoulders and my thighs.  Quite a tight place to be in.  I really couldn’t breathe at all.

Perhaps with some more practice, I will be able to spread my legs wider while I assume the position, allowing my breasts to fall to either side.  I don’t know.  I think I might need some spotters for that one, lest I simply roll around on my back like a pill bug.

Does anyone have advice for me?  It would be sincerely appreciated.  Congratulations on my progress so far are also welcome! I’ve been trying damned hard for weeks!

Will I one day achieve autocunnilingus?  Perhaps, gentle readers.  Perhaps.  For now, the dream lives on.

Oh, and please forgive the ugly workout gear.  I know you’d all rather I do this nude, but I’ve found the best time to attempt the position is right after exercise.  I didn’t think to strip.

I wager that the author of that spam comment never thought of it being used in this scenario.

LULZ.

I dream of licking my own pussy, and capturing the act on film.

You heard me right.

I’ve always been jealous of the guys who can self-suck.  Why should they be the only ones to have the fun?

Now, I’m certainly not the first woman to attempt such a thing.  There’s nothing new under the sun.  But I’ll be damned if I can find any photographic evidence of such an achievement on the internet.  And my Google-fu is pretty good.  (Readers, you’re allowed to correct me on this.)

I did find some really good fakes – very flexible women who are able to get their knees behind their heads, shot at a low angle that makes it look like their tongue is connecting with their pussy.  However, the flesh of their labia doesn’t move with the stroke of their tongue.  It’s a photographic trick.

Could it be that if I achieved autocunnilingus, and made a video of me performing it,  it would be an internet first?   Could it be the holy grail of internet porn?

It’s too tempting not to try.  I’m already quite flexible.  I have an extremely long tongue.  I bet with some regular stretching, I could manage to at least get the tip of my tongue on my clit.

And moreover, I’m going to achieve it in THIRTY DAYS.  Starting . . . now.  Seriously, I’m getting up to go stretch as soon as I push “publish” on this post.

Wish me luck.  Photos of my progress to follow.

Once upon a time, when I was 20, I saw an ad on craigslist looking for long-tongued girls to pose for a tongue fetish website.  Seeing as I have an unusually long and lithe tongue I responded.  The following footage was created.  I sold it to the man, collected my money, and promptly forgot about it.

Years later, a friend sent me a message that he’d seen a video of me on 4chan.  He tried to show me, but by the time I made it to the thread, it had already fallen victim to 4chan’s endless influx and dropped off the last page.  A few days later, however, a different friend sent me a link to a thread on Reddit, where my video had been turned into a moving gif.

Some youtube sleuthing turned up the video above.  With over 100,000 views.  Wow.  I had no idea I was so popular.

This can mean only one thing:  I need to make some more tongue videos.  Who wants to see my tongue in action?  Anyone have any ideas on what I can do?